When the Knock happens it can feel as though life will never be the same again. It seems as though nobody understands. There is no way forward. Everything is confusing, and it’s hard to imagine hope for the future.
As a matter of fact, confusion and hopelessness are not our final destinations.
Whilst I will never be glad that we had the Knock, I can’t deny that the experience has provided opportunities for personal growth, enrichment and gaining of perspective that I might not otherwise have had.
Don’t get me wrong, the losses hurt. Of course they hurt, and sometimes we just need to sit and feel that pain. But from pain comes growth, healing and realization.
Reading can be a great source of comfort to those experiencing the fallout of the Knock. I often say that when the Knock happens, we turn ourselves and our lives inside out and empty all the pockets. It’s natural to reflect upon every element of our existence.
Healing takes time and is never a linear journey. And of course, whilst stuck in trauma, it can be difficult to focus on anything, especially when we are continually triggered. The important point is to take things slowly, take all the help you can get, and look after yourself first and foremost.
The resources mentioned in this blog post are not meant as a substitute for therapeutic support, but as we know, it is not always possible to find this kind of specialised support after the Knock. Considering the levels of trauma and PTSD family members endure, it is vital that they receive or are signposted to therapeutic support as required.
The psychological offering for family members has improved greatly with the advent of some charities offering free psychologist or therapist-led support.
There are also a number of free courses around trauma, sexual betrayal and healing available on Bloom.
The below recommendations are based on reading that I have personally found helpful in terms of my healing journey, in addition to including recommendations from the Knock community.
The books featured do not represent an exhaustive list of each author’s body of work. You might wish to look into each author further to see whether anything else they have written or recorded might be of help on your journey.
I have also included references to some Podcasts and TED talks, although there are many more out there. Of course, The World According to the Knock has a weekly podcast and a forum for community members so please do check it out.
Brené Brown is a professor, author and podcast host. She is a researcher with an interest in shame, vulnerability and leadership. I first encountered her work whilst looking for something to help with the shame that I was feeling after the Knock.
Suddenly, out of the blue, there was a Section 47 meeting and we had social services involvement. I went from being a respected professional, active member of the community and school governor to being made to feel ‘other’; ostracized from society and scrutinized by every agency.
I had to endure being ‘rated out of ten’ for my parenting on round robin ‘Child in Need’ meetings, by all professionals, including the headteacher I used to be the governor for, and some professionals who had never even met me or spoken to my children.
Social care involvement came about because of my children’s father’s behaviour online, and agency response to it. The shame was almost unbearable and I felt exposed and overwhelmed.
Coincidentally, Brown trained as a social worker. She was more help to me than any agency in my life at that time, and whilst my own social worker was unable to help me with what I was going through, the works of Brené Brown really hit the mark.
I began by listening to her TED talks on shame and vulnerability (do look them up if you haven’t already). Then, I realized she has written several books, and also hosts the ‘Unlocking Us’ podcast.
Others on this journey have also mentioned how helpful Brown’s work has been to them, hence I have included quite a few titles.
Gabor Maté is a Canadian physician and author, with a special interest in trauma, amongst other topics.
I first discovered Gabor Maté’s work quite a few months down the line, after my children and I fled our home to escape community backlash. We had started a new life but things were far from ok. The trauma of what we had been through cast its shadow forward. Triggers were constant. We had no trauma support – I asked my GP to no avail – there isn’t any available on the NHS. I was not in a position to afford private therapy.
In my experience, trauma can be all-consuming and if it’s not addressed, recognized, you don’t find safety in your surroundings, the trauma can worsen.
I experienced a breakdown almost three years on from the Knock, in part because of dire financial struggles (having a no-heat no-hot water house, and struggling to afford necessities for my children) and in part due to unresolved trauma and feeling othered due to my lived experience. This ‘othering’ mirrored the trauma I experienced whilst we had social care involvement, and when we fled our home.
The breakdown hit me hard, and out of the blue. I wasn’t receiving any tailored therapeutic support at that time, although I did get brilliant round-the-clock support from the Knock community. I had reached breaking point struggling to provide my children with most basic needs on top of all the trauma. It’s hardly surprising that this situation arose when we consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. How can children and families begin to recover where the most basic of needs are a struggle?
Gabor Maté’s books have proven to be invaluable in terms of understanding trauma. I was also thankfully also able to access 1:1 therapy sessions with Circles South East within a few weeks of my breakdown.
Speaking of trauma, Bessel van der Kolk is a psychiatrist, author, researcher and educator. Since the 1970s his research has focussed on the area of post-traumatic stress. I had encountered The Body Keeps the Score prior to the Knock when we experienced the loss of a baby during pregnancy. I had previously experienced multiple losses and the situation meant that I was carrying a lot of unresolved trauma. Again, there was no tailored support available for this, and little understanding amongst professionals of the impact of trauma. I was offered antidepressants and treated for anxiety. Trauma does not just go away.
This book has also been mentioned by others within the Knock community as recommended reading, and it really does help to explain how trauma can impact us, and what we can do to heal.
The Dalai Lama is a name given by the Tibetan people to the foremost spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism. This book was sent to me by a member of the Knock community after my children’s father was sentenced to a custodial. At that time in my life I felt so alone and cut adrift. This book helped me to refocus somewhat and to gain a bigger perspective on our circumstances.
Lysa Terkeurst is a speaker and author of Christian nonfiction. I received the following message from a member of the Knock community.
“Learning to Forgive What You Can’t Forget – Lysa Terkeurst had some useful content for me but the writer uses religion a bit too much for me and I’m an atheist (and just don’t believe any God would put me through this absolute hell of a life).”
Paula Hall, PhD, is a UKCP-registered sexual and relationship psychotherapist, specialising in sex and porn addiction. She is Clinical Director of the Laurel Centre.
I received this recommendation from a member of the Knock community.
“Hi Annie, I found Paula Hall’s book amazing (Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction) , it was recommended by my Stopso therapist. I read it from cover to cover and it really helped me in understanding what had happened and why, it made me realise that what my husband was doing was in no way a reflection on me or anything to do with our relationship, I felt so much better about myself after reading this book and used it as a tool every time I found myself questioning I would go back to it.”
Glennon Doyle is an author and activist known for her books. She is also the creator of the online community Momastery, and is the founder and president of Together Rising, an all-women-led nonprofit organization supporting women, families, and children in crisis. I first heard of Glennon through her work with Brene Brown. Glennon has a podcast called ‘We Can Do Hard Things’
Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and self help author. A few years ago when I had reached a crossroads in life, my friend’s mum recommended the work of Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now helped me greatly and sent me on a bit of a self-help journey. I returned to his work in the fallout of the Knock, and also found A New Earth. This book was especially helpful in the weeks after the Knock when I was desperately trying to find something positive.
M. Scott Peck was a psychiatrist and bestselling author. I first discovered The Road Less Traveled a few years ago during a period of self-examination. It’s a bold book, and requires some brave thinking but really spoke to me at the time, and I returned to it after the Knock. The Different Drum was recommended to me and focuses on the challenges humanity faces in building communities.
I hope that this blog post has been helpful to you, and that the recommendations within it will assist you on your healing journey.
Please do get in touch and let me know if you would like me to add any books to this list and I will amend the post accordingly. anniehopewriter@gmail.com
Remember also that reading needn’t be a costly habit. Second hand books are available on ebay, World of Books and in many charity shops, if you search hard enough.
There are also often ebook version available which are usually cheaper options, and may even come included for free with Amazon Prime for example, or discounted trial periods on Audible. Podcasts and Ted talks are readily available online. And don’t forget, you can order titles through free membership of your local library, if you have one. Usually reserving books is free although you might pay 50p-£1 for delivery of a book from another library, depending on what local arrangements are.
My name is Annie Hope. I am a writer with lived experience as a family member of someone who had the Knock. I am a professional writer, and I am able to work with your organisation, charity or with you as an individual in a variety of different ways. Please have a look at my website to find out more.
I also run a free writing group for family members of those who are convicted of sexual offences. You can find out more about the group here. You can find blog posts with free advice about writing and helpful tips in my main blog index here.
You can contact me by email anniehopewriter@gmail.com
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